Let’s face it, a prenup is not the most romantic thing to be thinking about when you are in the throes of love's magical chemical, but you should be thinking and talking about it and here’s why.
Nobody enters a committed relationship with the intention for things to go pear-shaped and end up hating each other or screwing each other over. However, when relationships don’t work out it can end up in a terrible and very expensive conflict that leaves family property lawyers rubbing their hands together ordering their next Audi and you with a rapidly shrinking bank account and growing desperation.
You may know 100% that you would never screw your partner over if the relationship didn’t work out, but you cannot predict the circumstance that cause the breakdown, therefore you cannot predict how you may react and cope with what has happened. Would you feel like being as fair, for instance, if your partner had an affair while you were pregnant, perhaps struggling to afford the baby's new cot, yet found out he’d been taking his bit on the side out to fancy restaurants or on tropical holidays that he told you were work trips?
“My partner would never do that” I hear you protest. I hope not, but it does happen, and you can bet that person did not think their partner would do something like that either, or they wouldn’t have committed to a relationship with them. My point is not to put a dampener on love and relationship, my point is to say that you cannot predict the future so better to future proof to minimise the damage IF things do go wrong.
For that reason, I highly recommend getting a prenup, or an Opting Out Agreement as they are called here in New Zealand. This can help eliminated tens of thousands in lawyer fees down the line and reduce the conflict separating assets can cause, reducing the stress on you and your kids, who will also be impacted by your financial positions should you separate.
Now, if your partner asks if you would sign a prenup you may be of the same mindset as I was when my ex-husband asked me for a prenup before we got married. I was utterly offended. I thought and said to him:
“You can’t know me at all if you think I would ever be unfair over assets and try to take you for everything if we ever separated. I would never do that. Maybe we shouldn’t be getting married if you think a prenup is necessary. I can’t tell you how offended I feel.”
We didn’t get the prenup and boy was that a big mistake because he turned out to be financially and emotionally abusive.
I didn’t realise that the prenup would have protected me as much as it would have protected him. Because I didn’t have any sinister intent and knew I would always be fair, it didn’t dawn on me, with my head over heels in love rose-tinted glasses on, that he was lining me up to totally screw me over and leave me penniless.
Now I have rebuilt my life and have a new partner, I have braved the awkward conversation of an opting-out agreement. He took offence, thinking the same way I had in the past, but with more conversation he understands, having witnessed what my ex-husband put me through, why this is important and that it is to protect us both, not just financially but also from increased conflict disagreements of assets can cause.
We want to join our assets and liabilities consciously with contracts in both our names, always making things clear and fair.
In New Zealand, if you have been in a relationship for three years (you do not have to be living together) you may be considered by law to be in a de-facto relationship and therefore your assets and liabilities could be subject to relationship property laws.
Finances are one of the big areas couples get into conflict. Having clear contracts, expectations and responsibilities can help to eliminate an area of tension. Women particularly fear these conversations because we are afraid of being seen as a “gold digger” or “only about the money” when really, it’s about safety and security for us.
So, brave into the conversation and get this sorted (and while you're at it do your Wills). Your relationship and your future selves will thank you.
Learn more about relationship property at:
Lawyers I recommend:
- Roshni Kaur: Emily Chambers Auckland
- Jennie Hawker: Haigh Lyon